Don LaMon Cooper, CNN Correspondent reporting from Punxsutawney, PA
Confidential sources inside the Jefferson County Court House, Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania report that three unidentified persons, representing the legendary Pennsylvania ground hog able to predict the weather, have filed a lawsuit on Phil’s behalf.
The suit claims that Democrat Party Presidential candidate Joe Biden has infringed on Phil’s patented performance of making rare, personal appearances outside of his basement, which is equivalent to Phil’s box.
The suit accuses Biden of “…failing to credit and compensate Phil the Groundhog as the originator of the dramatic performance whereby the celebrity remains concealed in a confined location until such time that a sufficient audience has gathered for him to make a sudden and grand appearance to offer some startling announcement.”
In Phil’s case, the “revelation” is of a pending trend in the weather.
In Biden’s case, often the startling revelation is unclear, muddled and beyond comprehension.
Since the identity of the Biden for President Campaign manager is unknown, the suit identifies Joe as the Defendant.
Phil’s footprint is affixed to the filing to help differentiate him from other Pennsylvania groundhogs, each with their own distinctive print.
The unknown Biden Campaign Manager was unavailable to comment.
But Mrs. Dr. Biden, often speaking for husband Joe, when told of the suit said, “Joe’s promised free vet care to all groundhogs regardless of their race, ethnicity, sexual preferences, gender identification, or religious preference.”
When asked for a comment, Joe said, “Groundhog? Eat a groundhog? Good god, man, I don’t eat dem things! You’re a lyin’ dog-faced, pony soldier for accusing me of that.”